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lack of utter brokenness that I miss, that I know I can never regain with my husband, and that makes me so sad. I have gained a new respect for him because of these years of hard work.

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I look back and realize that my calm, fairly together response was, in reality, shock and trauma. While, in the past 4 years, there have been some porn-related slips, there has been no more cheating, so far as I can tell. We’ve had ups and downs, but have been generally successful in recovering this marriage.

My reason for believing him is the difference in reaction he has had over the years – he’s not defensive, doesn’t fight my accusations, is calmly open to my questions, feels I have the right to my feelings, etc. Still, we recently separated for a few months because I had to face the fact that, while things are better, stable, peaceful, even good…

My story is about how my husband has successfully managed his recovery from Sex Addiction, but the deep wounds that his addiction caused still remain. Four years ago, my husband admitted to sleeping with prostitutes and strippers, as well as an enormous porn and sex chat addiction, during the first four years of our marriage, including during both of my pregnancies. At the time, we were living in North Carolina so that he could go to graduate school; we had no friends or family or community, and we had a toddler and a newborn.

He confessed “everything” after I caught him trying to send a photo of his penis to some stranger via email. At worst, I concluded that my initial reaction of calm and of, say, not throwing him out of the house and immediately filing for divorce was a sign of hope, of being able to overcome this, of my love for him, of commitment, etc. My husband did take responsibility and showed great willingness to recover.

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I needed space to just focus on me, think about alternatives, etc. I am fairly crushed to realize that, after all of this, even after risking separation and reconciling, the brokenness remains, perhaps for always.

He moved out for a few months, we co-parented our boys (now ages 4 and 6), we drafted a legal separation agreement. Given reality, given our children and our family and our professional dreams and so on, my life, as it is today, is better/easier/more supported with him than without him. And I don’t know what more to expect, or how to think about all of this.

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